When I was a teenager, my parents separated. Unfortunately, I went through some abuse when I was a teenager and I was addicted to drinking. I got off my face every day and I just couldn't cope with everyday life. I didn't have a sense of self or a sense of identity. There was a situation that happened when I was about 16 years old, where I was thrown against a wall violently, and I was told by someone, "You won't become anything! You're nothing." So my drinking led into my twenties, and because of that incident, it caused me to think, "Well, I'm of no value."
Then thereafter, I decided to make something of myself. So I went and sought out my identity in my career. All of a sudden I was earning six figures and I had real estate and disposable income, and I was traveling and I was running a big finance department. Then I thought, what's the purpose of my life? Why do I even exist? I didn't feel that inside of me, that I didn't have a sense of purpose or value or direction, or no intentionality.
I went through some very abusive, unfortunate situations, and I came out the other end of that with post traumatic stress disorder, and I wanted to end my life. I remember crying out to God, and I knew how I was going to commit suicide and how I was going to do it. I just knew. I said to God, "If you are really real, if you really exist, then you need to come right now." I meant it with my whole heart.
But as I was sitting there just pondering this, "God will you come right now, if you even exist?" all of a sudden a woman walked up to me. I was sitting there and she put her hands out and she put a yellow sunflower into my hands. Sunflowers mean a lot to me, so that was God talking to me. As I held that sunflower in my hands, and then she walked, I turned to say, thank you, and as I turned, she just disappeared.
Later I found out the Bible says that we could be entertaining angels and not even know it. I know God sent an angel to confirm to me that he sees me and that he knows me, and to confirm that he really is really, really real.
Ever since then, he's taken me on an amazing journey and I get to see his goodness every day.
If you don't want your own life, then give your life to Jesus. If you don't like where your life is heading and you feel despair and you feel rejected and you feel tormented, the only one that can give you peace, the only one that can give you a sense of purpose or identity, is Jesus Christ.